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PenelopeAnne
Member
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 08:50 pm |
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I need to apologize for the length of this post, I don't know how to be succinct!
I have been doing much reading and listening regarding being the creator of my life. As much as I emotionally become enthused and intellectually "understand" the LOA, and the art of allowing, I am disappointed, not in the LOA but I guess, in myself. I know that disappointment is an emotion which might be contrary to the vibration I need to emit or feel BUT I wouldn't be feeling tinges of disappointment if my life was as I want/need it to be.
I have never wanted to "settle". My main desire aka "bliss" was to adopt children, ever since I was 5 years of age, I wanted to adopt, so I did. I adopted 6 special needs, at-risk children and gave birth to 3 biological children. Honestly, that is the only dream of mine that ever came true which leads me to my current disappointment. I must type though before I go any further, that for me, one of the most liberating and thrilling statements is "Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls." Now I believe that, but in my life that has not been true, for others and I am grateful that for others that statement is true. I so want that to be true though for me today, tomorrow, etc.
Since I spent the majority of my adult life raising children, I have little "work force skills" or so says the work force which is fine, I understand. Prior to my husband's death, I took a 13 month course so I could work in a medical office but even though I graduated top of my class, I haven't been able to find a job in that field because I have no experience. Kind of caught between a rock and a hard spot. So, I've taken jobs that paid just a tad bit more than minimum and last year I spent most of the year working 70 hours a week which afforded me very little time for my children or my most precious grandbaby. This February I developed laryngitis for a week! I've never been ill and the funny part is that my job at the time was as a telephone help desk agent. I was released from work because I could not talk. I didn't go to a doctor because I have no insurance. Unfortunately, I was without a job for six weeks and am now behind in rent (which I haven't ever been before). But through all of this I am an optomistic person and I believe that there is an abundance of everything for everyone, including me; alas, there is my disappointment: There has not been an abundance of money (actually I am financially worse off then I have ever been, it's a good thing I don't have credit cards) and the new job, which I start tomorrow is an hour's drive each way but that's ok, and the real funny part to all of this job situation is that my first pay check will be May 6th!
I am a fun person. I find humor in most situations. Until very recently I considered myself to be more of a burden to people, I have apologized to my children for the mistakes they made! Thinking to myself and to them, that if I would have been a better mom then they wouldn't have made the mistakes, etc., they made. Of course, since conception I was told I was ugly, homely, retarded, which sort of paved the way for my being hard on myself. I realize I am not the only person who was neglected, abused, and treated poorly as a baby, toddler, child, teen, adult and that is probably the reason I wanted to adopt, to let children know they are loved and they are special.
I've always been a people pleaser. I went to college simply because it was "expected" of me and I didn't want to "tarnish" the family name.
I love the idea of creating my own life! That is so thrilling to me and yet as much as I think constructively, positively, and as much as I get feelings of excitement and anticipation, the abundance of money doesn't materialize. A job that would be more fitting for my personality, temperment and abilities isn't offered to me. In fact, I seldom am called for an interview but I daily send out many resumes, for anything and everything. I figure "a job is better than no job" especially since my two youngest high schoolers enjoy eating  on a regular basis. My biggest dream! Oh my, is to be published. I believe with all of my heart that I have much insight and hope to offer but when I send off various articles to various newspapers and magazines, there is no desire on their part to publish me.
So? my desire to create my life seems good in theory but not in reality. I was so disappointed that today I cried and then went out and started mowing. I can't figure out what I am doing wrong. I don't believe I am being "tested"--that comes from my old belief of God "refining" our character. I don't think I have anything to prove to anyone. I believe I am just as wonderful and just as special as every other person in this universe. Actually, I believe I am a blessing and not a burden 
But, published writings, great job, and abundance of money remain elusive and not because I don't want them. I'm thinking somehow I have offended the Universe. I have a fairly good grasp of vibrations and as much as I want my life to be wonderful, abundant, and over flowing; it isn't. When I think of how much more fantastic my life could be and how much I have to offer others, I get so elated and excited and then reality hits home. What "could be" isn't. Honestly, I do not know what I am doing wrong. So, as far as I can tell, I pulled my oars in, am singing and enjoying the ride and am disappointed that what I so want and desire continue to remain elusive. Perhaps my boat has minute holes but I don't see any water, i.e., sins (flagrant acts), impure thoughts, mean-spiritedness on my part. I am perplexed and I so want to wrap my arms around myself and say "Penelope you are wonderful and your life is absolutely phenomenal" but alas, tis not my current reality. When I was a child, I used to get in trouble because I would "daydream" and my second adopted mother used to tell me, that my "daydreaming" was a waste of time but I didn't know how to stop daydreaming. Just like now, I still don't know how to throw in the towel and admit to myself that "Wonderfulness is for everyone else but you have to be content with being mediocre". Boy, that really grates at my spirit but that seems to be my 57 year old reality. I want so much more than what I have. I want to embrace, explore and just be downright elated with life. I want to believe I have made a positive difference. I believe, well, perhaps it is foolish on my part, but I truly believe that my remaining earthly years are going to be my best ever. That is what I believe but that is not what I am experiencing.
Obviously, the unfulfillment has got to be because of a weakness(es) or flaw(s) on my part, I simply don't know what I am doing that is keeping me out of alignment with the Universe. I want to be in alignment, I truly do but since my dreams and desires aren't coming to fruition, I must be doing something incorrectly. Perhaps it is true, the saying, "An exception to every rule." That stinks, if that is the case!
Thank you for reading this and for allowing me to express my sadness and disappointment.
Penelope
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Scott
Moderator
| Joined: | Tue Jul 31st, 2007 |
| Location: | Arizona USA |
| Posts: | 157 |
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 11:18 pm |
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Abraham often reminds us that the most profound, helpful thing that we can say to ourselves is: "I am where I am." You are an eternal being that can never get it wrong and can never get it done. Your Source holds not one shred of judgement for where you are right now.
Although your story is compelling, you might want to start telling a new one. It's the way that you can begin to create the life that you want.
Scott
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Sunshine Spirit
Member
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Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 11:45 pm |
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Penelope - you are wonderful and your life is absolutely phenomenal  I love you and Source energy loves you, just the way you are, for you are perfect.
Scott is right in telling you to start telling a different story. I want to share my different story.
Years ago, I decided that yes indeed, I wanted to be an author. Last year I decided to just start telling the story that I wanted to live - I am an internationally published author and dynamic public speaker who uplifts and empowers others to live their dreams
Yes, it felt strange & yes, inside I had my doubts...i mean, what could I possibly have to teach others, I am not university educated, I don't have a degree or anything and all the rest of the rubbish that your limiting beliefs throw at you.
Today, Penelope, I stand before you an internationally published author (book coming out this month) and I'm starting to get interest from groups who want me to speak at their events and by God - I will be the best, most inspiring speaker they have ever heard.
I tell you my story to let you know - IF I CAN DO IT, THEN SO CAN YOU.
Keep daydreaming and tell another story.
I give you my love  , Anni
I also give my love to this forum, for it has been with me through this ride for the past year, through the times I felt as Penelope does now and through the best times of my life that are happening right now.
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Earthgirl
Member
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Posted: Wed Apr 16th, 2008 06:37 pm |
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Penelope Anne-
I dont have any deep words of wisdom for you. only want to say that, whereever you are in this process of life, it is okay to be exactly there. and that I send you lots of love and hugs to you wherver you are.
As Dory said in Finding Nemo- "Just Keep Swimming". sometimes, we have to "Fake it till we make it"- sometimes I feel like I am faking it when I am saying I am this or that, it doesnt feel genuine, but then I say to myself. "what if I could just ALLOW myself just for a split second to feel good?" and now that I am re writing my life story, I rarely have to fake it anymore! its so cool. i didnt know I could feel this free and happy!
it seems that the more little glimpses of feeling good we can experience, the more those moments can link together until one day it becomes oh so very real!
I assure you that every one here has a STORY- I do too and I used to almost wallow in all the hardship I had lived through- I was one hard done by chic...but a while back I decided to stop telling others and MYSELF my story. Its amazing the power of "what if I could release this past story and move forward into a new story?"
I am not a seasoned Aber like so many here. I only joined here a month ago and am diligently reading and trying to apply what I read.
so much love and joy and peace to you and know that people hee support you!
Earthgirl
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PenelopeAnne
Member
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Posted: Wed Apr 16th, 2008 09:17 pm |
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Thank you for your response. I am not clearly getting my concerns across, which is frustrating. A couple of responses from this Forum have been to "tell a different story" as if I am focusing on my "past" but I'm not. I've come to peace with my "past" and the real difficulty I am having, been having is this:
I do believe in creating my present and my future. But I can only desire, be positive, joyful, enjoy life, etc., I cannot bring any of my desires to fruition or manifestation, no matter how much I "want" or "desire", this is out of my hands and therein lies my frustration.
I have faith, I have numerous desires, I have liberating beliefs--I simply am not receiving, thus being able to enjoy in a concrete manner my desires, hopes, wants. I ask, I believe and then nothing. So, I truly have, as much as I want to believe otherwise, only so much say in creating my life. I cannot "put doors where there were only walls." Only God, the Universe, can. I do the thinking, the desiring, the positive emotions, the wonderful feelings and that's it and what I can do does not create the reality I desire.
I enjoy my "It's wonderful having_______________" but after months and months, it almost rings as false hope.
Please don't get me wrong, I am not criticizng, I would like to get a better understanding and if I am doing or thinking something incorrectly then I need to know.
My reality is the remaining of my physical life is going to be my best ever, I desire this more than anything, unfortunately my reality is not manifesting and this I do not understand.
I don't think my difficulties are merely a matter of semantics and in all honesty, I don't think I am thinking/feeling/emoting incorrectly. I am perplexed.
Thank you.
Penelope
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Nightprincessa
Member
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Posted: Wed Apr 16th, 2008 09:50 pm |
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Sunshine Spirit wrote: Penelope - you are wonderful and your life is absolutely phenomenal I love you and Source energy loves you, just the way you are, for you are perfect.
Scott is right in telling you to start telling a different story. I want to share my different story.
Years ago, I decided that yes indeed, I wanted to be an author. Last year I decided to just start telling the story that I wanted to live - I am an internationally published author and dynamic public speaker who uplifts and empowers others to live their dreams
Yes, it felt strange & yes, inside I had my doubts...i mean, what could I possibly have to teach others, I am not university educated, I don't have a degree or anything and all the rest of the rubbish that your limiting beliefs throw at you.
Today, Penelope, I stand before you an internationally published author (book coming out this month) and I'm starting to get interest from groups who want me to speak at their events and by God - I will be the best, most inspiring speaker they have ever heard.
I tell you my story to let you know - IF I CAN DO IT, THEN SO CAN YOU.
Keep daydreaming and tell another story.
I give you my love , Anni
I also give my love to this forum, for it has been with me through this ride for the past year, through the times I felt as Penelope does now and through the best times of my life that are happening right now.
Oh Anni, thank you so much!   I so love love your story! It feels sooo good to read it!!!
Even though you had already said it before, every time you post it.... IT'S AMAZING!!! 
It makes me feel so powerful and raises my vibration to the top!
Penelope, all of the advice you've gotten here are very powerful, but above all, the most powerful is how you see yourself, after all, YOU ARE WHAT YOU THINK (believe/know) YOU ARE!!!
Love
Martha
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Lisa A
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 17th, 2008 04:31 pm |
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PenelopeAnne wrote: Thank you for your response. I am not clearly getting my concerns across, which is frustrating. A couple of responses from this Forum have been to "tell a different story" as if I am focusing on my "past" but I'm not. I've come to peace with my "past" and the real difficulty I am having, been having is this:
I do believe in creating my present and my future. But I can only desire, be positive, joyful, enjoy life, etc., I cannot bring any of my desires to fruition or manifestation, no matter how much I "want" or "desire", this is out of my hands and therein lies my frustration.
I have faith, I have numerous desires, I have liberating beliefs--I simply am not receiving, thus being able to enjoy in a concrete manner my desires, hopes, wants. I ask, I believe and then nothing. So, I truly have, as much as I want to believe otherwise, only so much say in creating my life. I cannot "put doors where there were only walls." Only God, the Universe, can. I do the thinking, the desiring, the positive emotions, the wonderful feelings and that's it and what I can do does not create the reality I desire.
I enjoy my "It's wonderful having_______________" but after months and months, it almost rings as false hope.
Please don't get me wrong, I am not criticizng, I would like to get a better understanding and if I am doing or thinking something incorrectly then I need to know.
My reality is the remaining of my physical life is going to be my best ever, I desire this more than anything, unfortunately my reality is not manifesting and this I do not understand.
I don't think my difficulties are merely a matter of semantics and in all honesty, I don't think I am thinking/feeling/emoting incorrectly. I am perplexed.
Thank you.
Penelope Telling a different story doesn't just have to do with the past, it has everything to do with right now too. When you are in the midst of telling a whole forum of people that "I cannot bring any of my desires to fruition or manifestation, no matter how much I "want" or "desire"", can you see how your acceptance and belief and sharing of that might be one of the things that keeps creating that for you?
You have to know that you can and do create your reality, that you can and do affect your life with your thoughts, words and beliefs! You see the evidence of that with all of the children you brought into your experience. You "knew" you wanted them and they came and the same can happen with anything that you desire. You just have to stop beating the drum of "it's not happening", because that is only going to bring you more of the same. Tell the story how you want it to happen and find the feeling place of that over and over and over again. Refuse to talk or think about anything other than all of the good and wonderful things that are in your experience! And take "can't" and "won't" and "hasn't" out of your mental and verbal vocabulary. They are words that take score and express limitation and don't serve anything, other than to slow everything down.
It's all good and it's all coming!
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leewatters
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 17th, 2008 06:13 pm |
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One of my favorite Abe-isms is that disappointment is simply taking score too soon.
You do need to start telling it the way you want it to be -- going forward.
You can't change the past, although you can change what emotions you attach to it. That said, I'd leave the past out of it for now. As frustrated as you are, you'll just keep attracting that stuff back to you.
You need to see beyond the now. Your now is just the manifestation of stuff you USED TO think and feel and believe.
If you were to rip down the curtain that is now, what would you want to find behind it? That's the only thing you can create in this moment. So have fuin with it!
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Lisa A
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 17th, 2008 07:10 pm |
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Oh, I like that one too, Lee. And another I like is, you can't struggle your way to joy, you can only joy your way to joy.
But if your radio is stuck on the "it's not happening" station, all you can get are more instances of the same. You have to find a way to tune into the "look at all the wonderful things in my life and my vibrational escrow" station, then all manner of more wonderful things can come in! And it sounds like you have lots of really wonderful things in your life!
beautiful children
beautiful grandbaby
beautiful healthy self
a zest and excitement for life
a knowing that you can be, do or have anything
a mower and a yard to mow
graduated at the top of your class
expressing yourself creatively through your writing
I'm sure you can fill out this list even more. And focusing on all that is what is going to get you more things to add to that fabulous list!
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leewatters
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 17th, 2008 07:19 pm |
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Lisa A wrote: Oh, I like that one too, Lee. And another I like is, you can't struggle your way to joy, you can only joy your way to joy.
But if your radio is stuck on the "it's not happening" station, all you can get are more instances of the same. You have to find a way to tune into the "look at all the wonderful things in my life and my vibrational escrow" station,
Actually, you only have to tune into any "that feels a little bit better" station
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Lisa A
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 17th, 2008 08:48 pm |
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leewatters wrote: Lisa A wrote: Oh, I like that one too, Lee. And another I like is, you can't struggle your way to joy, you can only joy your way to joy.
But if your radio is stuck on the "it's not happening" station, all you can get are more instances of the same. You have to find a way to tune into the "look at all the wonderful things in my life and my vibrational escrow" station,
Actually, you only have to tune into any "that feels a little bit better" station
Very, very good point. Thanks, Lee
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New Dawn Rising
Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 17th, 2008 11:54 pm |
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PenelopeAnne wrote: I enjoy my "It's wonderful having_______________" but after months and months, it almost rings as false hope.
If it feels like false hope it is. I know that many LOA teachers tell you to phrase these things in present tense, as if it was true NOW. But that never worked for me - I felt like I was lying to myself. And I heard Abe once say that this practice does introduce conflict in the vibration of many... As always, the advice is listen to your guidance and if it feels good to affirm some things then do it. If it doesn't feel good then don't do it.
PenelopeAnne wrote:
I so want to wrap my arms around myself and say "Penelope you are wonderful and your life is absolutely phenomenal" but alas, tis not my current reality. ... like now, I still don't know how to throw in the towel and admit to myself that "Wonderfulness is for everyone else but you have to be content with being mediocre".
I may be way off the mark but it seems that your general vibe about your life is that you are not happy with the way things are and you are trying all these LOA "tricks" (such as affirmations and visualizations, etc) to propel youself out of this life that you don't like into a life that will be more pleasing to you. And it seems to me that unless you find a way to enjoy what you have NOW, to love what you have created NOW, to make peace with where you are NOW... then you will remain stuck.
Why? Because you are pushing against your NOW reality. You don't like it and it shows.
You know what worked for me? In the mid-1990s I was a divorced single Mom with 2 young children and no child support. Working full-time and trying to have a social life. I learned about LOA then and since I was a newbie I kept it simple. The main thing I did was look for things in my current reality that I could appreciate. I appreciated anything and everything I could find. Food in the refrigerator, my paycheck (even though it wasn't enough), my children, my health, a sunny day, my running car (even though it was a junker), and so on. The afghan my grandma made me... the music on my stereo... the plants in my house... get the picture? I got pretty nit-picky about it... I looked for ANYTHING that was pleasing to me and focused on that. I did not have grand plans for my future. I just wanted to be happy NOW... to be happy with the way things were right then and there....
So my main focus was to be as happy as I could with my current reality and guess what happened? My reality transformed into something more and more and more wonderful.
EDIT: I don't think I explained myself very well here. Of course it is wonderful to have dreams for your future and create that in your life. My point is that while you do that... you also need to not push against your current reality. To make peace with it... find as much as you can appreciate about it and focus on that, along with your dreams.Last edited on Fri Apr 18th, 2008 01:37 am by New Dawn Rising
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New Dawn Rising
Member
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Posted: Sat Apr 19th, 2008 07:49 pm |
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PenelopeAnne wrote: I do believe in creating my present and my future. But I can only desire, be positive, joyful, enjoy life, etc., I cannot bring any of my desires to fruition or manifestation, no matter how much I "want" or "desire", this is out of my hands and therein lies my frustration.
I have faith, I have numerous desires, I have liberating beliefs--I simply am not receiving, thus being able to enjoy in a concrete manner my desires, hopes, wants. I ask, I believe and then nothing. So, I truly have, as much as I want to believe otherwise, only so much say in creating my life. I cannot "put doors where there were only walls." Only God, the Universe, can. I do the thinking, the desiring, the positive emotions, the wonderful feelings and that's it and what I can do does not create the reality I desire.
...............................I don't think my difficulties are merely a matter of semantics and in all honesty, I don't think I am thinking/feeling/emoting incorrectly. I am perplexed.
Hello PenelopeAnne... me again. I am re-reading your post this morning and get your frustration. There is a recent thread I wanted you to see. It might be helpful for you. It's about someone wanting a beautiful body but can relate to any topic of desire. Check it out: http://www.theabeforum.com/forum2/5099.html
And I will add that I agree with you to some extent that many times you cannot create "specifically" what you want. But you can always get the essence of what you want... ONLY if you are a vibrational match to it. I have found this to be true in my life in many ways.
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